I am What I am…

Boy, you know I would be a big fat liar if I did not admit to being scared.  The time draws near to begin seminary and I never seem to have a problem with talking about how excited I am, but while that is true, it is also true that I am kind of freaking out a little.  My life will be so different soon, and I have no idea how it is going to look.  All I know for sure is that it is not going to look anything like it does today.  I try very hard not to project because if there is one thing experience has taught me it is that my projections are always pretty far off the mark of the actuality of things.

In the early days of my decision I was all over the place in my mind as far as all of the things that I needed to change about myself.  I would think oh gosh, I have to quit smoking, I need to dress differently, I need to stop cussing, and on and on and on… At some point, the spirit made it clear to me that I needed to reign myself in and just continue to be myself while seeking God first and foremost.  You see, before I had even decided to attend seminary I had quite explicitly asked God to transform me.  The request was for GOD to transform me, so what did I do?  I started running around trying to transform myself into what I thought I needed to be in order to please God.  That does not appear to be how it works.  I was called to serve God the way that I am, and any transforming that needs to be done God will handle for me.  A lot of transformation has already taken place, and rest assured I was not the precipitator of that transformation.  Transformation begins in the heart, and when the heart is transformed, the rest follows.  This is hard for me to wrap my head around because conventional wisdom dictates that I have been a screw up all my life and if there is to be any hope for me then I must change myself immediately.  Trying to change myself is like trying to change the color or the sky…it just ain’t happenin’ baby.  But when I relax and concern myself only with making sure that God comes first for me, miracles happen.

I still cuss; I still smoke; I still dress eclectically and of course my tattoos will never go away, but I am what I am and that is what God wants me to be.  I do hope that the urge to smoke will go away…God I pray for that to happen…but until it does it is a part of me too.  What I care most about now is that my heart is pure and that I remain alert to what the Spirit is saying to me.  That is quite enough for this aging hippie to handle right now…


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